No Boys Allowed

Hi Ray,

There was an interesting article in Slate yesterday about which I would like to hear your thoughts.  I know that's cheating - lifting our topic straight from another blog - but I feel that you, as a super-involved stay-at-home dad, have a perspective on the subject that wasn't addressed.

The post was called Co-Ed Baby Showers Are a Terrible Idea. Men: Keep Out.  It advances the notion that baby showers should be female-only, not because dads are not as responsible for their kids' care or are somehow inferior to moms, but for the following two reasons:


1) Female-only baby showers are an opportunity for moms-to-be to gather with their moms, aunts, grandmas and other women with baby experience to get the skinny on icky things.  The writer posits that with men in the room, women will not talk about things like breast pumps, mucus plugs and mastitis.

2) Pregnancy is the only time when there actually is an inherent disparity in parenting. While men can be supportive and helpful, at the end of the day it is the woman who is carrying the child for the better part of a year and enduring all the physical trials involved, up to and including the joy of labor and its aftermath.  She deserves a celebration just for her.

As to the first point, I can say this. I've been to my fair share of baby showers.  Not once have I ever heard mentioned any of the topics I listed above, one of which actually kinda makes me want to puke.  In fact, if I had to go sit in a room full of women likely to start discussing such matters, I might be inclined to pay a man to accompany me as insurance against hearing about episiotomies, placenta encapsulation or vernix, all three of which kinda make me want to puke.  I dunno, maybe they chat about stuff like that in hushed tones when the women who have not given birth to anyone are refilling their cups of punch or hiding in the bathroom to avoid the game of "taste and identify the melted chocolate bars in these diapers."  A propagation of the species gambit, perhaps, to keep the uninitiated clueless about the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth until it's too late to back out before getting to the 'it was all totally worth it' part.

Speaking of chocolate bar diapers, by the way, I offer the following bit of sage advice to potential baby shower attendees, female or otherwise: if you want to avoid having to play humiliating, lobotomizing or nauseating games at a baby shower, plan it yourself.  Jump on in there and organize the thing! Or at least get yourself included in the planning process enough to help steer the activity discussions.  Otherwise, it may well be an experience as PTSD-inducing as that Halloween bazaar in second grade where you had to stick your little hand in vats of olives and spaghetti while being convinced they were eyeballs and intestines.

Regarding the author's second point, about a special day for mom... that one I buy a little more. From what I hear, pregnancy can really be The Suck and your reward when it's over is immediately entering a phase of your life when you rarely sleep and this tiny person who is the most important thing in the world to you has constant needs and demands and very limited communication skills. Oh, and his or her literal survival depends on you and your husband. No pressure.  A mom-focused party sounds pretty reasonable from that perspective.

An even better idea, IMHO, would be to have two events.  Have a shower for both mom and dad that is devoid of talk of any bodily function that is gender-specific and completely chocolate diaper-free, but includes friends, family and a houseload of practical gifts. And cupcakes... you always need cupcakes.  Then also have a special girls-only event for mom where she doesn't have to hurt her back sitting in a chair for two hours holding up onesies and smiling while a roomful of well-wishers memorialize the moment on FaceBook, Instagram, Twitter and Tumblr.  Take her out for a nice meal or a spa day or high tea or a picnic or whatever it is she would find relaxing and help her enjoy one of the last days she and the baby will be as purely and intimately connected as two people can be.

As for the icky stuff?  Buy her a well-written book about it and make sure her network of veteran birth mothers are available for consultation and support 24/7.  Who really wants to talk about that stuff during their massage or mani-pedi?

As a man, what do you think about co-ed baby showers?  Did you and The Breadwinner have one?  I have a distinct recollection of attending a similar event in her honor, but I believe it was her bridal shower.  And I seem to recall you and some other XY chromosome carriers going off to drink some fermented grain beverages while watching a bunch of other XYers run back and forth across some painted grass.

Best,
Patricia

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Hi Patricia,

I may be one of the few guys that enjoys baby showers.  Usually I'm the only one attending that's not on a diet, so it's open season on chicken salad and fresh fruit bowl for me.  A good rule of thumb on the games is to underestimate, which will always win affection of the pregnant woman, if not an outright victory.  And I'm not completely sure about frilly umbrellas, but we're in it for the food.  

Prior to Elsa's birth, we had two rounds of baby showers.  The first was a Jack and Jill party sponsored by The Breadwinner's sisters.  This featured several games for boys and girls (nipple sucking, candy bar sniffing) that were rewarded in beer.  The second shower was sponsored by my extended family.  This featured a much frillier set of gifts and games.  I was summarily escorted to a nearby beer festival.  Since Anna was born two short years later, she got a rowdy luncheon with close family.  Also featuring beer.  Which seems appropriate now.

That said, let me introduce you to the current condition of my right foot.  
(SFW edition) 
((Not beer related))

This weekend, we attended a birthday party of one of the girls' friends from school.  It occurred at a trampoline gym.  Have you ever seen the Cirque du Soleil where they do the bouncing from the walls?  Imagine hundreds of children doing that.

Now, more importantly, imagine that one completely unathletic and aging father of two girls gets dragged out onto those trampolines and starts bouncing.  After a moment, and feeling good about his chances, imagine that he attempts to move in a third dimension.  I lost many things in that moment.  Besides my balance and my dignity, I have to say the pinky toe on my right foot may be the most missed.

There is nothing that prepares you for parenthood.  Not a book.  Not a video.  And absolutely not a three hour "party" with extended family.  You can read and do and follow all of these, and when it comes to the first screaming fit in the pants aisle of the WalMart -- or say a pouty face at a child's birthday party -- training and common sense will all go out the window.  That's why "nipple talk" just doesn't happen at a baby shower.  

What does happen, in chick-only showers, is the continuation of longstanding traditions that establish the heirarchy of womenfolk in the family structure.  There is the matriarch.  There are the organizers.  There are the runners and the list-takers.  There are the included friends and the excluded friends.  And, somewhere near the bottom, there is the pregnant woman.  It's Downton Abbey with ginger ale punch.

That alone is the simultaneous argument for and against single-sex baby showers.  If you want that heirarchy to continue, kick out the boys.  If you don't, put beers in the cooler and make room on the couch.  Lots of beer.  And maybe some bandages.

As for the transfer of real "family knowledge": that happens completely apart from these situations.  That's one of those things that seems to occur when people are preparing Tuesday dinner together, deciding what to get at the mall together, or generally being together together.  It's an informal transfer of knowledge, which needs an informal setting.  It could happen at a baby shower, if someone can bottle informality and spray it over the place before Great Aunt Edna takes her place of authority on the west end of the flowered plastic covered sofa in the living room.  If it is found how to peel away the veils of dishonesty that surround official family functions, you can have any sort of party you'd like.

And if anyone finds that, please have them start searching for my pinky toe.

Cheers,

Ray

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Hi Ray,



Nasty boo boo you've got there, buddy.  Let's all observe a moment of silence in memory of Ray's pinky toe. I assume it was a good toe and it obviously left him far too young.

sssh!

Okay. 

I think I learned an important trick about baby showers from reading your post: always have alcohol. The problem for me is that I don't drink. Just don't care for the taste of beer, etc.  Plus, being the only sober person aside from the pregnant lady could go either way, I guess. You might get some quality alone time with her when all the McDrunkersons are sticking their faces into disposable diapers or you might just be mildly annoyed that all the loudness just got louder. 

Maintaining the matriarchical structure... now that's an aspect I've never thought about before. It makes a certain sense. In a society and generation with few rites of passage or ritual tribal activities, the baby shower really is an opportunity to reinforce the "natural order of things."  When you look at the whole thing more as a sociological or anthropological study, it suddenly becomes significantly more interesting than what goofy games might be played and if anyone's going to bring up that locks of the mama's hair might fall out for a bit after the baby comes (not to worry; it's temporary). 

It also explains why my friend Dee's mom probably hates me to this day. When Dee became pregnant, I was incredibly excited for her. I adored her and wanted to make her shower as perfect as I could. It had already been decided that the event would be held at her mom's stately house in Annapolis, which was a bit of a hassle, but I was game. The 'not knowing my place in the hierarchy' problem occurred when it was time to open the presents. 

Dee had told me that she wanted to do that part in a particular sunny room with her comfy chair and lots of room for people to fan around for the oohing and aahing. Dee's mom, however, was fixated on having it in a different room which was more formal and had much less ooh-aah seating. Mom went so far as to move all the gifts from the sunny room where we'd been having people stow them into the room of her choice. My position was that it was Dee's day and she should be able to sit wherever she pleased. So I moved all the gifts back into the sunny room and promptly announced it was gift opening time to avoid more ping ponging of the goods. Outmaneuvered, the Matriarch shot daggers at me the rest of the day. 


I feel like we've maybe wandered off course a bit with this one, so I'm gonna go ahead and call it.  Sorry to be abrupt.


Looking forward to your next topic,
Patricia